To my longtime and dear friend,

I simply cannot take it anymore, today is already 1/6 and the reviewers at <name your favorite journal here> are still bumbling buffoons, unable to recognize true brilliance even if it were to hit them over the head! I'm done, I tell you, done! It's time to blow this popsicle stand. I'm moving to a cabin in the woods. Maybe I can even finally make it through the documentation for variation graphs (vg) while I'm out there. I really don't wish to be found but if you really need to find me, I've included a map to where I'm staying. You'll have to get help from my new animal friends to find me, and oh, you'll need the final passcode or there's no way I'm letting you in. You might be that last reviewer.

Your friend,
Disgruntled Postdoc

In case of emergency, remember the following:

• Nobody likes the cats as they are woodland interlopers. Only raccoons will interact with cats.
• Mice and bunnies won't interact with foxes... seeing as the foxes might eat them.
• There are a couple of rivers near where I live and only otters and birds can cross them.
• Raccoons will interact with everyone except the otters -- for some reason they have a long-running feud.